katekisscoaching

Balancing the negative with POSITIVE!

11/9/2016

Soaring... liberation... awe and love

Today I feel very, very, very sad. (If you share my sadness, stick around for the second half of this post… what I intend to do about it!!)

Who am I sad for? I am a lucky one. I am a white, middle-class, grand-daughter and great-great-great-grand daughter of immigrants from Europe, with just enough income to live comfortably if I stay in the small town where I live in Italy where rents are around $400 to $500 per month (1/3 of what I had to pay for something very similar in Miami Beach when we lived there), and health care costs a fraction of what it costs in the USA. There’s no way I could afford to live comfortably on what I make in the USA. We are very lucky to have close friends here. I only miss my family and some few friends. A lot. I am not complaining. I am happy to live here where I have what I need.

So why am I sad? I am sad for the people who do not have the options I have, especially the children. When I think of the number of children who might die over the next years due to lack of available health care, not enough food or heat because of divisions between rich and poor that will only get bigger. I am sad for the parents who work but are not paid by a boss who is smart enough to figure out how to not pay them. I am sad because we have a confirmed role model that tells many people it is “smart” to not pay the taxes that pay for children’s schooling and health care, roads, fire fighters, police… let the stupid people do that (that would be me). I am sad when I witness a confirmation of the depth of xenophobia, racism and misogyny that exist in many parts of US society. I am sad, and probably angry, to think that If I were male or younger, I could be earning more than enough to live in the USA.

Maybe I am the most sad to suddenly realize that some of the people I consider(ed) friends don’t actually share my beliefs and values, and will never admit it—I hate the wondering that is now in my mind about which of the people close to me actually contributed to what happened yesterday. I can trust my belief in only a very few people right now.

I am sad because the United States used to be great and no longer is. I am sad and fearful that much of the outstanding progress of the last eight years may well be lost. This election result is like the last nail in the coffin of what the United States used to stand for. A system that I had always believed in seems broken. When systems break, anomalies happen.

Today I feel beyond sad. I feel grief. Maybe for that reason I am so pessimistic today!

Now for the positive part. I know that grief and other negative emotions we experience are key to our survival—they help us defend ourselves from danger. So there’s not much point in trying to make them go away or suppress them, they just are. Unfortunately, as part of their key role in our survival, negative emotions tend to be very strong, last longer (go round and round in our heads) and tend to suck in all of our attention.

Luckily for us, we also have some built in positive emotions that counteract the negative, and are fundamental for thriving both psychically and physically, short and long term. Among other benefits, experiencing (i.e., being aware of) positive emotions helps us build resilience and enhances creative thinking .The bad news is that they tend to be ephemeral and sometimes pass in a nanosecond completely unnoticed, which means we don’t benefit from the experience. According to Barbara Frederickson (2001) the ten most common positive emotions are (I put them in alphabetical order): amusement, awe, gratitude, hope, inspiration, interest, joy, love, pride, and serenity.

What I very much need today it is something to balance the deeply negative and persistent grief I am feeling. I think serenity is out of the question for today (but I’ll keep an open mind). Hope is based in a negative state that one “hopes” will get better. I had hope yesterday. So my plan for today is to work on “creating” and “capturing” some of these positive emotions and being fully aware of the moment I experience each one. I think I can realistically find amusement (we’re watching a very funny Netflix series with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin), beauty (my reduced version of awe, which feels a bit too “big”), maybe gratitude, maybe inspiration if I think of the creative process such as the writing I am doing now as being “inspired,” interest (I am curious to see how a “soften-soothe-allow” meditation that I recently learned works for the grief I am feeling) and love (enjoying time with my husband and some close friends).

And… walking will surely help (what I call “breathing in the green”) and probably cooking. I’ll let you know.

I hope that if you are feeling the way I am feeling today, you may get an idea here. If you share my sadness, I would love to hear from you. Even digital contact is still a connection! (And feeling social connection creates positive emotion!) What strategies have been helpful for you to deal with today’s events? What do you think of any of these ideas?

In hope (mmmm I did find “hope” after all!)

kate

A short “soften-soothe-allow” guided meditation I found today and quite liked: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdxLsdj0ktE
(“soften-soothe-allow” meditations are designed to, as the title says, allow, soften and soothe rather than try to repress or remove negative emotions. Ironically, it's amazing how much less mental space they occupy when you focus on them!)

More on positive emotions: http://www.unc.edu/peplab/publications/Fredrickson_AmPsych_2001.pdf

P.S., Looking at the photo at the top of this post brings up a lot of positive emotions that are a powerful counterpoint to the grief I was feeling for most of today! I took it from the plane as we approached Pisa for landing on the return trip (surprise and excitement on seeing such an awesome perspective).

Last weekend I spent four days with friends in Geneva. Although we have not lived in the same place for over 20 years, our friendship, that started 26 years ago, is still strong, substantive and deep... maybe even more so for the changes and growth we have all experienced in the meantime and share when we see each other or talk on the phone. That surely is a lot of positive emotions all together! ... Exhilaration (soaring), liberation and freedom, love (friendship).

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July 08th, 2016

7/8/2016

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8 July 4, 2016

Today on Facebook a friend shared a quote by Angela Davis "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." –Angela Davis

At the same time, I have been reading a lot this week about mindfulness, and thinking about the idea of not fighting against the negative in life but accepting it, embracing it, and not trying to change it. Of course Angela Davis was referring to interpersonal relations, whereas mindfulness is essentially about intrapersonal relations. (Although the teaching of some religions I have read would urge us to accept the life we are given in this world.)

The apparent contradiction in the two ideas got me thinking… or rather writing. Same thing.

It occurred to me that, strangely enough, the two ideas complement each other rather well, and that “accepting” can be a first step towards “not accepting.” The trick is to know which things I can change and which things I cannot. Which things just are, and which things are creations of my own thinking? If I have a cut, I cannot change that fact and make the cut not exist. If I have a fear of driving, that is something in my thinking and so something that I can change.

So what about depression? Is that something I can change? On the one hand, no, not in the moment I feel I am in a depression… it just is. Fighting it, thinking of all the reasons I have to not be depressed, or pretending it doesn’t exist won’t change anything or make the feeling go away. On the other hand, sitting with it, being curious about it, seeing where it goes and what it does… in short, accepting it could be a first step to not accepting it in my life and ultimately initiating change?

So, now I am thinking how might this approach work for changing the minds of people who actually believe that Donald Trump could be a good idea for the United States?

kate

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Voice and agency

11/4/2015

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I know I've been away for a while, and not for lack of writing. It seems I am a little "hoarse" these days. My "voice" doesn't make it past the first stage lately.

And then this arrived in my inbox today with a title of one of my favorite themes, so I decided to share it. Parker Palmer is a wonderfully inspiring writer who I first encountered in a teacher education class. Enjoy… - Kate

…

"4. A sense of personal voice and agency. Insight and energy give rise to new life as we speak out and act out our own version of truth, while checking and correcting it against the truths of others. But many of us lack confidence in our own voices and in our power to make a difference. We grow up in educational and religious institutions that treat us as members of an audience instead of actors in a drama, and as a result we become adults who treat politics as a spectator sport. And yet it remains possible for us, young and old alike, to find our voices, learn how to speak them, and know the satisfaction that comes from contributing to positive change—if we have the support of a community."

The excerpt comes from
… Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy: The Courage to Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit (2011)
The human heart is the first home of democracy. It is where we embrace our questions. Can we be equitable? Can we be generous? Can we listen with our whole beings, not just our minds, and offer our attention rather than our opinions? And do we have enough resolve in our hearts to act courageously, relentlessly, without giving up—ever—trusting our fellow citizens to join with us in our determined pursuit of a living democracy?
—Terry Tempest Williams

From: http://www.couragerenewal.org/habitsoftheheart/?utm_source=November+2015+Words+of+EnCOURAGEment+%2352&utm_campaign=Nov2015-Words&utm_medium=email

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Bits and pieces

10/9/2015

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Bits and pieces. Friday, October 9, 2015

…The patterned movement of molecular entities becomes a world of rolling stones and falling rain only after the entities have been named and qualified during inquiry. Some objective configurations are found in nature and others are ideally organized in order to control their movement and expedite human purposings when the idea is acted upon. …

From: A Transaction with Mr. Kahn: Benjamin Wolstein Source: The Journal of Philosophy, Vol. 44, No. 24 (Nov. 20, 1947), pp. 663-666

Cobbling bits and pieces
from random experiences
we write
the narrative of our life.
Each story never told
from inexorable chance
Bits and pieces.
- klk, 9 October 2015

Or, said another way, we configure our world through transACTIVE “purposings,” as opposed to circular interaction.

(Today just seemed to be about bits and pieces and somehow they fit together.)

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Words have an inward coloring of their own

10/8/2015

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Words have an inward coloring of their own. klk, Jacksonville, January, 2015

Today I am thinking about reading and writing, and, in fact, any use of language. Some people still today view language as unambiguous… a code that can be broken, learned and taught. In the last century, language-in-use was distinguished from an idealized language code that existed independently of people and could be studied and described on its own. (For example, Saussure’s parole and langue, or Chomsky’s performance and competence.) In the 20th century, revolutionary ideas caused important changes in European and American science and philosophy. We became less certain of such self-contained definitions and clear-cut ways of looking at the world. Within this zeitgeist, philosophers and researchers began to question the proposition that language and meaning could be considered as separate from its users, and theories such as Louise Rosenblatt’s theory of reading as “transaction” appeared in the middle decades of the 20th Century.

Rosenblatt proposed that meaning in a text does not exist independently on the page but develops out of a “transaction” the reader has with the text, with the context, and with their own knowledge. Even if the writer of a text has a purpose and intention in the moment of writing, their meaning does not automatically imprint itself on the mind of the reader/listener. The reader/listener also has a purpose and intention. In this transaction, between readers and writers, between purposes and intentions, meaning is created. Quoting William James and Lev Vygotsky, Rosenblatt reminds us

“…that not only the words referring to objects, but also the words naming the relationships among them carry ‘an inward coloring of their own’ in the stream of consciousness (1890, p. 245). This rich experiential aura of language is different for each of us. As L. S. Vygotsky pointed out, "the sense" of a word is ‘the sum of all the psychological events aroused in our consciousness by the word’ (1962, p. 146).” (Rosenblatt, 1988)

The reader brings all of his or her understandings of the world to the transaction of reading. These understandings include his or her background, culture, knowledge, emotions, feelings, and purposes. The meaning in a text is, therefore, dependent on the reader’s response within a certain context, at a certain time, and for a certain purpose.

What color are your words?

kate

Quote from: Technical Report No. 416 WRITING AND READING: THE TRANSACTIONAL THEORY Louise M. Rosenblatt

https://www.ideals.illinois.edu/bitstream/handle/2142/18044/ctrstreadtechrepv01988i00416_opt.pdf?s

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7 October... onward and upward!

10/7/2015

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White stair going up. Venice, October, 2014. klk

Mercoledi, 7 ottobre
I found out today that someone died a few days ago. She was 59. I knew her only a little… only as the always helpful, always willing office assistant where I was a going to school. She was patient, sunny, always in a good mood, calm, ready to help, knowledgeable, a gentle person… and two years younger than I am. One person… and I know everyday many people die, and not all of them have lived a full life. It just threw me for a loop. One person. Was she happy with her life? Fulfilled? Did she do all she wanted to do? Did she do what she came into this world to do?

Sitting down, trying to write about it words come to mind that don't quite capture the fear, the fragility… deep sadness…. the inescapability. Even going for a walk and “breathing in the green” didn’t help much. How precious the days are and how fast they go! Then the title of one of Bruce Chatwin’s books comes to mind, as it usually does at times like this: “What am I doing here?” Then I wonder what it will take to get me moving and actually do what I want to do while I can do it. Just keep moving...

At least today I did exactly what I want to get back to (the habit I’d like to have): sit down at any random moment and write through a powerful experience. I can’t say I got far, but at least I started and tried, which means I am moving and is a BIG success. I already feel lighter! Now I am asking myself about the two next steps:

5. Project the distance you want to travel.
6. What is realistic? What works for me? How can I weave the new habit (or piece of a habit) into my life as it is now to give myself the best chance for success?

Is anyone else working on building a habit this month? How's it going?

kate

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'Habit' or something else?

10/6/2015

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So I’ve been doing the most recent step I posted about a few days ago and “imagining myself fully into my new habit.” I tried to visualize myself sitting at my desk for a certain amount of time each day, or at a certain time each day, and couldn’t. I know that won’t work. I can’t see myself sitting down to write everyday for X hours (which is what was in the back of my mind). Since I hate routines and immediately break them, that just doesn’t seem doable. Even this self-challenge of writing everyday is already getting on my nerves. One of these days I know I will “forget” completely, promptly forgive myself and, just like expunging my sins by going to confession, go back to writing the next day. (At at the moment, my step #13 for habit-building.)

Instead, I imagine me sitting on the train writing, or stopping in the middle of the street and writing on the back of my shopping list… it’s that spontaneous “in the moment” writing that I would like to do again. I am not sure it’s even a habit… it’s more like a way of being in the world… a desire to be fully aware of a moment in time by writing it.

So my next step is to ask: “Do I really want this ‘habit’ (or way of being)?” Absolutely!

I realize that I am not even concerned with keeping my writing (although I do)… or even sharing it (even if I am). What attracts me is the evanescent moment, that instant when I manage to exactly re-create in words an idea or a feeling… or not and spend hours or days trying to get to just the right words. And when I find them… ZINGGO! that’s it… yes! It is that flash of elation and surprise when I “capture” the experience and I know immediately and deeply that I did it. It is complete connection. … Maybe it is similar to getting exactly the right framing, light and feeling in a photograph… or getting a “hole in one” in golf. Or coming up with just the right argument at exactly the right time in a debate. What is that moment for you?

kate

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What does it mean??

10/5/2015

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What does it mean to be a member of a society where we allow anyone who wants one to own a weapon that could take out a tank, but can be arrested for having a joint??? What does it say about us that a national organization can sustain that we convert ourselves in victims if we don’t have a gun (as reported in the Italian press)? What are “our” values? “Our” ethics? As individuals and as a nation? That the right to own a gun is more valuable than a human life??

On paper the USA is a democracy in which majority opinion makes the rules. Am I to believe, then, that I am in the minority to want my government to protect me, my family and friends against crazies with guns? Am I in a minority to think it is wrong to allow anyone who wants to, to possess a tool designed to take people’s lives because they disagree with a religious belief or are angry or crazy? I thought we lived in a society in which killing was wrong, at least that is what I was taught.

So what can we do when the current system does not work to protect the lives of citizens?? Someone please explain this logic to me. If indeed life is sacred, then why don’t our laws protect it? Was it not the mission of the USA to protect life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? We aren’t doing a very good job!

I have heard many times the argument that the right to carry a gun is protected by the US constitution. Well that document has been amended 27 times! So why not now?? Seventeen times it has been amended since the first ten amendments were added on December 15, 1791, including amendment 2 which granted this right to each citizen to bear arms. Maybe that was a good idea in 1791 but surely times have changed and we have grown as a country in 224 years? We even passed an amendment to ban the sale of alcohol (even if we later changed our minds), possibly dangerous depending on your point of view, but its primary purpose is not to kill people! The point is, when circumstances warrant, and we, the people, want to make a change and a majority of us agree, there is a mechanism in place to do it. What is our government waiting for? I can’t believe that the majority of US citizens are happy living in a country where it is so easy to get a gun so they can kill people.

We went to war over suspected weapons of mass destruction. So what can we do about the mass destruction happening at home? We are required to have a license and training to drive a car. So why not for something infinitely more deadly?

I would like my government to protect my right to life and to liberty and the pursuit of happiness by keeping guns out of the wrong hands. I would like to live in the absence of fear that some crazy person with an issue to resolve will decide to murder me or my friends and family.

Kate

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Habit releasers??

10/4/2015

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Since the 1st of October, as you know, “habits” have been on my mind. In particular, I am thinking about what it would do for me to go back to my habit of writing regularly. This post is a perfect example of why I want it back. I started writing today’s post several times and each time erased it. Until I had erased several false starts, I had no idea that what I really wanted to write about tonight was the “habitual” (those things we do every day without even thinking about them... on “automatic pilot”). I adore that excitement of discovery! When words start appearing that you didn’t know you were thinking before they appeared on the page!

Earlier today I listened to an interview with Mark Williams, Emeritus Professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford on the topic of mindfulness. As this was the first lecture in a month-long, online “Mindfulness Summit” (I shared the link on my Facebook page a few days ago), he was talking about the basics of mindfulness—where and how one can start to be more mindful through the day. Given my current musings about habits and how to build them, his idea of “habit releasers” grabbed my attention. A “habit releaser” is something we can do that “turns off” our automatic pilot—interrupts a habit we may not even realize we have. His idea is that we can make small, deliberate changes to daily habits with full awareness of our action in order to live more “mindfully”… in order to be more fully conscious of the present moment, and the choices we make throughout the day… or don’t make.

For example, who chooses which hand they use to brush their teeth? For most people, this is a pretty automatic routine. So what if one day you decide to use the other hand to brush your teeth? A “habit releaser” converts a habitual task into a conscious experience. Some other examples he gave were already familiar to me: If you find yourself walking along, lost in thought, looking at the ground. Stop! Look up at the sky or the trees… really look at them… take a few slow, deep breaths—pause and be fully present in and aware of your surroundings. Or what about deciding on the spur of the moment to go to the movies without checking first to see what is playing… just showing up and picking a movie that is about to start. Or deliberately turning off the TV when a program you chose to watch ends. Even if you turn it back on 30 minutes later to watch another program you decided to see. Here is part of his text:

Okay, so habit releasers are addressing one of the issues that much of our automaticity, our automatic pilot is shown in the fact that we do the same thing day in and day out in the same way. You know, we brush our teeth with the same hand and we put the other hand in the same place, wherever that is. I mean I don’t know if you know exactly what happens to your left hand when you’re brushing your teeth with your right. It’s amazing to know. But so it takes a very simple situation to say, But what if I deliberately just for a day or two do it differently. So for example sitting in a different chair at the table at home or in your lounge or sitting room or drawing room, or on the bus or on the cab you always sit on the left hand side or the right hand side, at the back or the front. Maybe just do something different. See what you notice about doing things different. So they can be as small as that.

If you are interested in knowing more about mindfulness, or listening to Professor Williams’ interview, you can find it here until the end of October: http://themindfulnesssummit.com/sessions/mark-williams/

I think I will go brush my teeth with my left hand and see what happens.

Going back to the question of building habits, here’s a next step:

IMAGINE yourself fully into your new habit. How is life different?

See you tomorrow!

kate

HABITS... all of those little "voices" that direct traffic in our heads. (Art by Daniele Ballerini, 2015)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARB!

10/3/2015

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Along the “panoramica” 3 Oct 15

If you're not Barb, this might be a boring post... nothing about habits today. Today is dedicated to my "little" sister and I need more time to think about why I want a new habit, and what it will do for me. So, step #3 tomorrow.

Barb, today, the 3rd day of my writing self-challenge, is dedicated to you as you celebrate 60 years in the world and embark on 61! Happy Birthday! (or happy new year to use my new way of looking at it) I so wish I were there!!

Remembering our long walks in the fields (rain, snow or shine), I took the long way to the grocery store this morning… up over the “mountain” (really a large hill) so that I could get away from the cars and people and hear the birds, walking among the trees and blackberry brambles… If I don’t look towards the street, I can imagine walking with you and with the dogs…

I have so enjoyed this day, reminiscing to myself and reliving wonderful moments. I wonder how you remember them?? But then when I started writing, it seems there are just too many so only a few are here…

I wonder if our passion for walking in the fields connects to the wonderful “playground” we had when we were young? The miles and miles of woods and streams we could explore on foot or on bikes?

From about that same time, I can see as a photograph in my mind the two of us waiting for the bus on your first day of kindergarten. In identical uniforms, with our small leather satchels you setting off for the first time on a journey I had begun two years earlier. Holding your hand… anxious, excited…

Then there are the wonderful weekends when you lived on the farm. I loved visiting you throughout the years I lived in NYC and you would take me horseback riding. Thank you so much for showing me that amazing experience! You had three loops (or was it two) through woods and fields… that we could ride without seeing another person or animal… You told me you wished you could get lost but you knew the country so well it was impossible. I, on the other hand, could enjoy that delicious feeling of letting go… having no idea where I was, how far I was from home or how long it would take to get back, all the while knowing that you would find our way back. How rich that was!

The very best memories of all, though, began in November, 1985: only a few days after she was born, I came from California to NJ to meet Julie, and share the first three months of her life with you and Rich… and a few years later Robin, and then Jacquie. What beautiful, beautiful people you and Rich have brought up in the world! Do you remember the time I flew back for Jacquie’s birthday and hid inside a box while you asked her if she wanted to open her present or have dinner first. I thought I would die when she opted for dinner!

And the days in Sag Harbor when the girls were small? Playing “spider” in the hammock and cracking stones? Luaus on the beach… Or just on the beach with a book… I think that is really “your” place… on the beach with a book… or on a bike… or on a horse… or with a child in your arms...

What a gift it is to have you in the world! A smart, tough, sensitive, beautiful, athletic, thoughtful, loving and passionate mother, sister, wife, daughter... person who is also a good cook… We toast you! Happy Birthday!!

We toast you!

We ordered the pizza and I made the cookies to celebrate your birthday! (Of course we ate them for you. I also shared them with all the neighbors in your honor. The recipe said it made about 50... I counted at least 80 but I had already eaten a few by then... Dani too!). Dani says they're the best cookies he's ever had and wants them for Thanksgiving :)